I'm fine as long as I'm not at work, not in a grocery store, not passing a liquor store, not sitting in a bar or restaurant that serves beer, wine, liquor. What the hell man. I work in a bar. Liquor and beer stare me in the face on a daily basis. I don't think anyone around me knows just how hard it is to stay on this sober streak or whatever you want to call it. It sucks, it's hard and I don't want to do it. But, I'm doing it. I think I'm doing it more for everybody else right now instead of me. If it weren't for everybody else, I'd probably be really lost and lonely and drunk! Is that enough for me to stop?  Why is this so difficult? How can drinking a certain beverage make you,er, me so different? If I could just be different when I drank.... I've tried and tried and tried. I've tried not to drink too much, not to drink liquor, not to do shots, to drink to a minimum...it doesn't work and it ends up bad for me and everyone around me. I still don't know why my husband decided to marry me after all the hell I put him through by my drinking. The embarrassment, the fights, the belittling, the screaming, the hitting, the suicidal tendencies. I just don't know why someone would put themselves in a position to have to put up with that forever.  But he did and he's sticking by my side. I still don't think he knows how hard this really is for me, I've tried to tell him and I just don't think he gets it. It wasn't hard for him to stop so why is it so hard for me? I guess I have a problem and he doesn't or didn't. I don't know. I'm just bored, I'm always bored. I want to be entertained all the time. I think this is part of my depression as well, but it seems I'm always trying to come up with ways to maybe, maybe try to pull "it" off. I never go through with it because I don't want to let my husband, my daughter, my mom, my sister...you name it, down. Like I said, I think I'm doing this for everyone else right now. I want to do it for me, but I just don't have that desire for myself. I think, it'll be easier if I drink it away, it will be more fun if I drink, it'll make me feel better. I know all these things are just ways I'm trying to cope with quitting but it's always there, in the back of my mind.  I hate feeling this way. When is it going to get easier?