I'm fine as long as I'm not at work, not in a grocery store, not passing a liquor store, not sitting in a bar or restaurant that serves beer, wine, liquor. What the hell man. I work in a bar. Liquor and beer stare me in the face on a daily basis. I don't think anyone around me knows just how hard it is to stay on this sober streak or whatever you want to call it. It sucks, it's hard and I don't want to do it. But, I'm doing it. I think I'm doing it more for everybody else right now instead of me. If it weren't for everybody else, I'd probably be really lost and lonely and drunk! Is that enough for me to stop?  Why is this so difficult? How can drinking a certain beverage make you,er, me so different? If I could just be different when I drank.... I've tried and tried and tried. I've tried not to drink too much, not to drink liquor, not to do shots, to drink to a minimum...it doesn't work and it ends up bad for me and everyone around me. I still don't know why my husband decided to marry me after all the hell I put him through by my drinking. The embarrassment, the fights, the belittling, the screaming, the hitting, the suicidal tendencies. I just don't know why someone would put themselves in a position to have to put up with that forever.  But he did and he's sticking by my side. I still don't think he knows how hard this really is for me, I've tried to tell him and I just don't think he gets it. It wasn't hard for him to stop so why is it so hard for me? I guess I have a problem and he doesn't or didn't. I don't know. I'm just bored, I'm always bored. I want to be entertained all the time. I think this is part of my depression as well, but it seems I'm always trying to come up with ways to maybe, maybe try to pull "it" off. I never go through with it because I don't want to let my husband, my daughter, my mom, my sister...you name it, down. Like I said, I think I'm doing this for everyone else right now. I want to do it for me, but I just don't have that desire for myself. I think, it'll be easier if I drink it away, it will be more fun if I drink, it'll make me feel better. I know all these things are just ways I'm trying to cope with quitting but it's always there, in the back of my mind.  I hate feeling this way. When is it going to get easier?

So my original "sober date" was May 15, 2010...well I had to change it back to May 23, 2010. No one knows this but me and that's how it will probably stay. It's embarrassing to show your weaknesses to the people that love you, so it's my little secret. I guess that's not how I should look at it, but that's how I'm dealing with it for now. 

The past couple of weeks have been kind of easy actually. Sunday is always the hardest day for me, because it's an easy day at work with people easily giving out liquor and doing it along with you. Last Sunday I was too sick to go to work, so it was easy passing this week...but what about this weekend? Will I be able to stay away from it and not get caught up in the game of "How much can we get away with today?" I hope so. I have to keep telling myself, this is for me. This is not for anybody else but me.  If I don't stop drinking, it's going to ruin my health, make it harder to maintain my health, ruin or end my marriage and also ruin the relationships I have with my friends and family. I have to do this because of me...for me. It seems so easy to "quit", when you're still drinking and no one else knows. It's like being two-faced or something. As long as I don't get too smashed and no one can tell or smell it on me, then I didn't do it! What a crazy way to think, eh? I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way or has done this on the side as well. Do I want to keep drinking? Sure, who doesn't. It seems so much easier to get through anything; work, stress, money problems, hanging out with friends...then I drink and it's no longer fun...for me or anybody else. I am an emotional drinker, the more I drink the more emotion comes out...good or bad. And usually it's bad. If I could only be one of those happy drinkers. Not possible in my scenario. So it's lead me to this, not drinking anymore. I have a very hard time calling myself an alcoholic, I guess I'm not there yet. I have to go through the stage of denial first, right? 

So, this is me sharing what's in my mind and heart with complete strangers and my inner self. It feels good to get out emotions and feelings that no one really understands, until it happens to them as well. If you do read this blog, thanks for sharing a little piece of me and being there to write to and be able to get it all out and out of the mind. Thank you!

Well, here I am on my second bout with staying sober. I went 6 months the first time and little by little I started with the occasional shot on the weekends. I thought no one would notice. When nobody said anything to me, I started easing a full drink into the mix every couple of hours. My husband started asking me if I had been drinking and I would tell him, "Yeah, but it was only a little sip, it was only one shot". We had both decided to quit drinking on July 3, 2009. He has won, I have failed. My husband and I had a conversation about the fact I was drinking and the fact that I work at a bar, it's very hard to stay away from the pressure, the "fun", and getting it for pretty much free. He said he wished he could make more money so I wouldn't have to be put in that position every single day. He told me to keep it to a minimum and at least not drive if I was going to be drinking. Well to me, that was a full on go that I was allowed to drink. It got worse and worse. This past Saturday was one of the worst, "secret" days I've had, probably ever had. I drank pretty much from the start of work (about 11am- 5 pm) just straight shots of tequila. I probably drank about 10-12 shots of tequila. We started doing money at the end of the shift, (which I don't remember). Luckily my husband had come to pick me up, on a whim. It got worse and worse from there. I went into a downward spiral. I started feeling worthless, stupid, ashamed, embarrassed. I started hitting myself, going off on my husband (calling him names you should never call someone that you love), pretty much just emptying out my emotions, feelings, my brain out oh him. All I wanted to do was hurt myself, make myself go away, and drinking (I thought) would make this feeling go away. I was wrong. It brought the worst out in me, it always always does.

So now I am starting a new quit date and I'm sticking to it. I don't want to ever feel that way again. I don't want to keep hurting the people closest to me, that care so much about me. I am turning 30 in a couple of months and have been telling myself there's nothing fun to do if we're not drinking. Well, there are things out there to do sober and still have fun. Not everybody in this world drinks, or drinks to have fun. There are many people in this world that are suffering from the same thing or worse. It's weird and funny that I never really thought myself as an alcoholic or someone with an addiction problem. I am now finding out that couldn't be more far from the truth. I have to commit myself to this and believe I can do this and kick this addiction all together. I have to. I may end up losing my life or my marriage to it and that is totally not worth having a drink, a shot or getting shit faced from time to time in "secret". Did I not think people could smell it on me? I guess you can make yourself believe anything to make it okay in your mind. Today I am a new person. Today I will beat this crazy part of my life. Today is a new day and I expect more of myself, now more than ever. I need to learn how to love myself and not stray away from my goal of being sober and a wonderful person.